Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it it has emerged.
Quick resigned after jeopardising an operation that turned out to be a waste of time anyway. Brilliant.
As nine brown men were deported for having beards, the police blamed the Home Office, the Home Office blamed MI5 and MI5 warned everyone it could kill them with its thumb.
An inquiry will now be launched into why the prime minister was allowed to scare the shit out of everyone, though experts insist it may just have had something to do with the news agenda.
A police spokesman said: “We were hoping to charge them with conspiracy to go to the shops to buy crisps and Tizer, but according to our lawyers that that’s not an actual offence, as yet.
”We have therefore taken the precautionary step of sending these men and their potentially explosive beards back from whence they came.”
He added: “Come to think of it, Bob Quick must be absolutely f*****g livid. Whadya reckon?”
A spokesman for home secretary Jacqui Smith said: “Embarrassed? No, we’re way, way beyond embarrassment at this stage. ”That’s a bit like asking a streaker if he’s embarrassed because he hasn’t shaved.”
Friday, 10 October 2008/or possibly March 24th 2009/not quite sure really, but what the heck it doesn’t really matter does it?
Global financial meltdown update from OLLYS ONIONS
New details of bank rescue emerge:
• Eleventy hundred billion pounds/dollars/whatever injected into/exchanged for/given away or something. More cash to follow.
• Iceland to be abolished (shop as well as country, to make absolutely sure).
• Scotland to be banned from having banks.
• Credit default swaps to be converted into credit default squirrels, in the hope they take all the toxic debt and bury it in flowerbeds. Collateralised debt obligations to become collateralised debt orangutans, so that Indonesia can deal with the problem.
• Banks to institute “once you give you can’t give back” rule to ease lending.
• Dow Jones, FTSE, Nikkei, etc to be recalibrated, so that fewer points are better, and 1 is now best.
• Co-ordinated worldwide reduction of 75.5% in the number of people who know where the *@&*;$! all this is going to end up.
I keep hearing credit crunch. Apparently the most popular cereal today. but I cannot find it at Tesco’s. Is this cereal too expensive to be in Tesco?
Should I try Waitrose ?