Friday, 10 October 2008/or possibly March 24th 2009/not quite sure really, but what the heck it doesn’t really matter does it?
Global financial meltdown update from OLLYS ONIONS
New details of bank rescue emerge:
• Eleventy hundred billion pounds/dollars/whatever injected into/exchanged for/given away or something. More cash to follow.
• Iceland to be abolished (shop as well as country, to make absolutely sure).
• Scotland to be banned from having banks.
• Credit default swaps to be converted into credit default squirrels, in the hope they take all the toxic debt and bury it in flowerbeds. Collateralised debt obligations to become collateralised debt orangutans, so that Indonesia can deal with the problem.
• Banks to institute “once you give you can’t give back” rule to ease lending.
• Dow Jones, FTSE, Nikkei, etc to be recalibrated, so that fewer points are better, and 1 is now best.
• Co-ordinated worldwide reduction of 75.5% in the number of people who know where the *@&*;$! all this is going to end up.